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I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know
what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because
I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me,
and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because
it causes seven different types of cancer.
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since
they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica ,Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
I no longer buy cookies from PRESIDENT’S CHOICE since I now have their recipe.
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot
because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me
as I bend over as well as giving me herpes from the “hand”out.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda,
and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by theViolin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 344,000 people in the next 10 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,
and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician .
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read things on their computer with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the fridge,
because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet