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  • Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
  • My reality check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier !
  • You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
  • Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
  • Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
  • Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
  • The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • So this isn’t Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
  • Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
  • I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
  • Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
  • What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
  • How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!
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